What Am I Worth

 What Am I Worth

7-25-22

I work hard day in day out, I got fired from my job at the end of January of this year after 4 years working my ass off & me moving closer to work so I can be available whenever they needed me, I am in walking distance of the place I worked at. After I got fired I set up an online business &tried to get a job somewhere else both of those were failures so I decided to make personalized crayons & art & sell it,then clothes, I got all the products & equipment I would need. Started selling to family & friends & then branched out, that’s when  things became a little stressful there was a lot of customers who wanted personalized gifts but didn’t want to pay me because it was too expensive after I made the product and packaged it up & sent it on it’s way. I am sorry this is my livelyhood my only source of income, my business I am allowed to charge whatever the hell I want because I am my own boss. For example I had people wanting me to replace things for free & saying my packaging needs improvement, because the crayon broke or this apron( That I spent all day on& ended up redoing multiple times) cost to much. The apron was the last straw.  I hate when people take advantage of me & think I can just do this for fun & not worry about money & then have the nerve to basically call me crazy. Nothing in life is free, I don’t care if you are a family, friend. I make product. I charge not only for the product but my time & worth& effort I put into making it nice. I have OCD I am not gonna throw some shit on a product & say there you go, that would be $ 80 please. No I take my time picking out the colors, the high quality products & spend hours on a product until I am satisfied with a product. Also I can’t at least right now do free returns or gifts for family & friends because I don’t have income to do so at the moment, maybe when I have more customers and selling more products on the regular then I can do that but I am one women show. Humans are so selfish & rude and they only think they are the only ones who are struggling, physically, mentally emotionally and Financially.  I am over being stepped on, I am not a door mat.  My voice isn’t being heard when  people who are disappointed in the high quality prices for their high quality product after said product is completed & they bully me into changing my price, or cancel their order( when it’s already finished ) it breaks down my confidence in using my voice- takes me back to a place of where I was being abused sexually everyday & my rapeist took my voice away. I have been working so hard for so long to get my voice & confidence back to myself to tell myself my words, thoughts, ideas, experiences matter, my story matters& I feel like life has knocked it all the way down to square one.  :(  Lastnight was Difficult to say the least, I felt like everything was crumbling down on top of me & no one was listening to my words, I felt like in that moment in order for my voice to be heard, I had to get frustrated & scream & yell & have tears & snot running down my face to be heard. Lastnight I felt like I was bi-polar, that my SSRI medication was not working & that I was feeling all my big feelings all at the same time-my big feelings were ll climbing over eachother trying to be heard & validated. I kicked my feet& punched my pillow. This one small thing set me off & ruined my whole weekend which was going really good until that point. My bf was not helpful in the moment laughing at the text his coworker said “$80 for an apron no way”  & the fact it took my bf multiple attempts to figure out the best way to respond was, hurt. Cause in that moment he cared more about his co-worker then his gf, who he saw work her ass to make the perfect apron. His response to his co worker was sorry, she is an aggressive salesperson ( or something along those lines)

I saw a glance of it on his phone & then my bf said you can’t charge people that much, how much did you spend on the apron. I said what do you think is a fair price you saw me work on this Literally all day You saw me  get frustrated  heard me curse. I think $80 is fair. My boyfriend defense coworker saying that his coworker doesn’t make that much money and that he has child support pay and I’m like so what like I don’t have a job this is my livelihood and my boyfriends like  I don’t want it to be your livelihood, i don’t want it cause stress( to late) I don’t want you to worry about making job- I got you. ( That’s what you say now, but then get frustrated when I spend too much- u can’t have it both ways) It’s of that you guys spend money on alcohol and vaping and that costs easily at the most $80. Everyone has a budget everyone has priorities in what makes them happy & the value they want to spend on a certain item. so sometimes you have to change your priority to make them healthier I also told my boyfriend that I do not want him to drink anymore and that my therapist and I think he has a problem with drinking and then his response was well don’t you tell me and I’m like you don’t listen to me and I just didn’t tell you I’ve had this conversation multiple times I don’t want to drink anymore I don’t want to go out to the bars anymore . My boyfriend says why is it When I ask you if you’re OK with doing it you don’t have an issue with it until after the fact and I’m like because I never was able to use my voice and I always had to suppress my thoughts and feelings and ideas and whatever else that went along with that voice was never heard it gets lost in the crowd. Plus I’m not your mom I’m not gonna baby you into saying oh I don’t want you to drink anymore I don’t want to go out to the bars anymore I shouldn’t have to say that  every other day like come on. The first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem but you’re not going to because you have a problem and you don’t what does he do with a problem in a healthy way. he jokes saying well do you wanna move out or do you want me to move out I’m like I don’t know this is not funny  no one is laughing besides you and your stupid coworker I want you to make new friends I don’t wanna hang out with them I hate all your friends right now you can go all going out with your friends and that he knows I don’t have any friends in town. There are other things to do on the weekend besides going out to the fucking bars and he’s like OK well I won’t drink at all this weekend, I will show you. I’m like no I don’t want you to drink. Anymore all done like it was like fine I won’t drink anymore I’m like I don’t want to be the reason why you don’t drink you need to do this for yourself he’s like I said OK already I wont drink anymore. I’m hesitant because this is the first time we’ve had this conversation and he knows how I feel about him drinking and yet here we are.  My boyfriend didn’t not even realize that tears running down my face because I don’t even know how to fix this, to make it better.     Attention all humans 

Pay Attention to the Small things because they matter, they lead into bigger issues when left unchecked & be kind to one another.

I told him that I feel worthless like told him that why am I the only one who’s making sacrifices why why do other people voices ideas opinions thoughts matter more than mine why their voice is being heard more than mine why do I have to suppress my feelings my thoughts my ideas to make others heard not saying life is fair because it isn’t but everybody struggles, Some people are better at hiding those struggles from others

I want to end this blog with Check in on the people Who on the outside seems like they have a shit put together and that they don’t have issues or that the ones that you keep running to for advice or to Lean on check on the strong individual that you have in your life make sure your loved ones know how much they mean to you, not Just saying it but also following up with actions. Remind her actions speak louder than words you can say all the right words 1000 times but if you’re not putting in the airport or the action into building your relationship then why should the other person stay inside a relationship relationship is a 100/100 it’s equal. Both people have to make time & put good quality energy into the relationship.